Will we ever become a family ???

I thought I was doing pretty well .. AF was gone and I've been feeling really good - almost back to my normal old self .. but then I sit back and think .. ok i'm back to normal - my energy is back, I'm eating right, I'm happy and then ........................................ back down I go ..

Just how much more do we have to endure ? .. why is it so easy for some people - I mean some couples you've only gotta look at them and they are pregnant .. and yet why is it so hard for others ? .. it just seems so unfair ?

I am currently 36 - I will be 37 this December .. doesn't leave us much time does it ? .. the older I get the less chance we have - well that's what all the research says ! .. being on the stupid pill doesn't help either .. but if I don't use the pill I'll be back where I was a few weeks ago and OMG I don't ever wanna go back down that road again ..

Is it wrong of me to be envious of people who are pregnant ? .. Is it wrong of me to be envious of people who fall pregnant on 1 round of fertility treatment ? .. Is it wrong of me to say to myself "god I wished that was us" ....................

I just want it to be our turn .. I want to be the 1 posting a "BFP" in the forum's .. I want to be the 1 having that 1st scan .. I want to be the 1 feeling a baby move .. I want to be the one with morning sickness .. I want to be the 1 out shopping for a baby ..

Am I being ridiculous ? .. Am I being stupid ? .. arghhhhhhhhhhh .. I'm going insane !

My friends are so lucky .. they all have their little miracles - some don't and that makes me even sadder .. I mean it's not like I'm on the only one in the world who is going through this ..

Jade - my dear sweet friend - 6 long years and still trying (2 miscarriages)

I just get so frustrated .. I mean IVF is SUPPOSED to work ! - that's what we're told .. IT WILL WORK .. humpf yeah right ! ..

I love Peter with all my heart - he's my light when it's dark, my warmth when it's cold and my shoulder when i need to cry .. but he's suffering too .. I see it every day in his eyes .. he hates to see me going though so much and ending up with nothing to show at the end of it ..

At the moment I'm keeping busy and staying out of the forums because I just can't handle it .. I am sorry to those who are reading this and are offended and think i'm a bitch - but these are my feelings and unless you have been through what we've been through and still trying to achieve that wonderful feeling of being a family you will truely know how I'm feeling ..

People who sit down and cry because they got a BFN - when all the while they already have #1 obiously don't realise just how lucky they are to have #1 - I would give both my legs away if someone said to me tomorrow "I have a baby just for you but you will never walk again" .. I would do it in a heart beat ... that is how much I want this .. but sadly after 3 years and 6 months we're still waiting ..

I am hoping this is just a down time for me and that I won't keep feeling like this ... because it's horrible and I don't wish this on anyone .. I just want us to be a family -- COME ON GOD - MAKE IT HAPPEN !!!