It just seems never ending lately .. but i guess that's the joys of renovations ..
At the moment Peter is busy cementing metal stirups into the ground ready for our BBQ deck - which will be getting done in a few weeks .. the backyard looks like a pig sty .. but that's the joys of building !
Will take some pictures later and post them ...
Sunday morning started off pretty normal ... we went and visited Peter's mum and dad - which we try and do every weekend but sometimes there just isn't enough time in the day and we might not get there for 2-3 weeks ..
When we were there Peter's niece was sitting at the breakfast bar and Peter said "so are you going to this famous wedding that we're NOT invited too???" .. Peter's other niece (his sister's daughter) is getting married on the 11th October 08 and we're not invited .. they hate me, i don't know why .. but they do .. I wasn't even invited to the bridal shower or the hen's night ..
Anyway his niece said "oh i'm trying to get out of it" .. does she think I'm bloody stupid ? .. they are like 2 pea's in a pod .. anyway that was ok .. we ventured out into the lounge room .. where his niece proceeded to say to Peter's mum (which is her grandmother) "If you see J (Peter's brother) or M (his niece that's getting married) tell them I said NOT to take the images off the cot - they have been there since I was a baby and I know J is stripping the cot" ..
So there and then I knew "M is pregnant" .. I didn't know what to say, where to look etc .. but Peter knew something was wrong .. he didn't know until we got into the car and I just burst into tears .................... so the whole trip home I just cried and cried .. No-one told us .. in fact we get told nothing .. we wouldn't have even known about the wedding only for Peter finding the invitation at his mum and dad's house a few weeks ago ...
It's so unfair that Peter and I go through so much - spend thousands upon thousands of dollars and yet we still don't have anything to show for it ..
If they happen to know about this blog and read it - I hope they realise just how much it hurts not to be included .. I feel like a piece of shit on the side of the road .. my family welcomed Peter with open and loving arms and treat him like a member of the family .. Me, I get treated like a lepper ... we won't even know if and when she has the baby ....
I don't know what I've done to them ... I know deep down it's probably because I'm NOT good enough for them .. or maybe because my aunty and nanna live in the granny flat down stairs .. who knows .. Personally I never want to see them again - and if I do see them anytime soon that will be too soon ..
I soon got over my tear's .. but it really hurts .. today I'm feeling much better ..
I couldn't believe my eyes when I turned the computer on yesterday morning .. Paul Newman dead at 83 .. it feels kinda strange cause you think actor's and actresses are invincible and that they will live forever ...
The world is mourning for Paul Newman - 1 of the main headlines throughout the papers etc .. he will be sadly missed .. he was married to actress Joanna Woodward ..
Rest in Peace Paul ......
This a new shot of Brinkley my beautiful Rex guinea pig .. he's a beautiful boy .. I gave him a pile of grass off our lawn and you should have seen him .. it was so so funny ..
These are 2 of our furkids ..
Izzy-Bea -
she's my baby .. she lives outside now after living inside for almost 2 years - first off she didn't like it .. but she's adjusted really well ..
I tried to put these pictures with the right post - but it kept coming up with an error .. so here they are ..
These were taken BEFORE I had the curette while we waited and waited at the hospital - these pictures were taken using my Apple iPhone :) .. god I love that phone !
Looking from the waiting room
On Wednesday this week I had a special little visitor .. first off I was really nervous because I wasn't sure how I was going to react .. in fact I was a quite worried .. but once our little visitor arrived all my fears went away and we had a great day ..
I would like to introduce to you a very special little girl - her name is Rebecca .. she is a 3rd attempt at a fresh IVF .. her mum and dad waited 13 years long years for this moment .. and here she is !
She was the perfect baby - hardly cried (apart from when she was hungry) .. in the end she ended up falling asleep and was still asleep when Tanya put her in the car ..
Thanks for coming up girls - I really enjoyed the day ...
I thought I was doing pretty well .. AF was gone and I've been feeling really good - almost back to my normal old self .. but then I sit back and think .. ok i'm back to normal - my energy is back, I'm eating right, I'm happy and then ........................................ back down I go ..
Just how much more do we have to endure ? .. why is it so easy for some people - I mean some couples you've only gotta look at them and they are pregnant .. and yet why is it so hard for others ? .. it just seems so unfair ?
I am currently 36 - I will be 37 this December .. doesn't leave us much time does it ? .. the older I get the less chance we have - well that's what all the research says ! .. being on the stupid pill doesn't help either .. but if I don't use the pill I'll be back where I was a few weeks ago and OMG I don't ever wanna go back down that road again ..
Is it wrong of me to be envious of people who are pregnant ? .. Is it wrong of me to be envious of people who fall pregnant on 1 round of fertility treatment ? .. Is it wrong of me to say to myself "god I wished that was us" ....................
I just want it to be our turn .. I want to be the 1 posting a "BFP" in the forum's .. I want to be the 1 having that 1st scan .. I want to be the 1 feeling a baby move .. I want to be the one with morning sickness .. I want to be the 1 out shopping for a baby ..
Am I being ridiculous ? .. Am I being stupid ? .. arghhhhhhhhhhh .. I'm going insane !
My friends are so lucky .. they all have their little miracles - some don't and that makes me even sadder .. I mean it's not like I'm on the only one in the world who is going through this ..
Jade - my dear sweet friend - 6 long years and still trying (2 miscarriages)
I just get so frustrated .. I mean IVF is SUPPOSED to work ! - that's what we're told .. IT WILL WORK .. humpf yeah right ! ..
I love Peter with all my heart - he's my light when it's dark, my warmth when it's cold and my shoulder when i need to cry .. but he's suffering too .. I see it every day in his eyes .. he hates to see me going though so much and ending up with nothing to show at the end of it ..
At the moment I'm keeping busy and staying out of the forums because I just can't handle it .. I am sorry to those who are reading this and are offended and think i'm a bitch - but these are my feelings and unless you have been through what we've been through and still trying to achieve that wonderful feeling of being a family you will truely know how I'm feeling ..
People who sit down and cry because they got a BFN - when all the while they already have #1 obiously don't realise just how lucky they are to have #1 - I would give both my legs away if someone said to me tomorrow "I have a baby just for you but you will never walk again" .. I would do it in a heart beat ... that is how much I want this .. but sadly after 3 years and 6 months we're still waiting ..
I am hoping this is just a down time for me and that I won't keep feeling like this ... because it's horrible and I don't wish this on anyone .. I just want us to be a family -- COME ON GOD - MAKE IT HAPPEN !!!
OMG what an extremely long day at the hospital yesterday ..
We left home just after 8.20am for fear of traffic .. but for once actually had quite a good drive in .. not much traffic at all and no accidents either ! .. got to the hospital about 9.10am .. reported to admissions and sat and waited for the volunteer to take me around to day surgery ..
we waited till about 9.30am when the nurse called me in to take my ob's .. everything was good .. so about 9.40am i dressed and got back out into the waiting room .. we waited and waited and WAITED !!! .. by 11.30am I was beginning to worry that they had forgotten about me :(
At 12.20pm they called me up .. just as they did my phone rang and it was Peter so I threw the phone to mum and headed off .. they took me down to theatre in my gorgeous outfit .. NOT .. lmfao ..
They laid me on the bed and 5 mins later the sleep dr arrived - took some info and said we'll back to get you in 2 mins .. and that they were .. Julie (our FS) came and walked up to theatre with me .. I was in OR #4 .. lol .. seen that as they pushed me throught ..
The sleep dr put the drip in .. the nurse said i'm going to give you some oxygen .. next thing it was 1.10pm and I was back in recovery .. don't remember a thing after the oxygen .. lol .. they gave me 3 shots of something like morphene that starts with "F" .. but after the last shot they had to wait till 2pm to take me back to recovery room # 2 ..
So at 2pm they wheel me down into recovery room #2 .. finally i ask "where is mum???" .. oh someone would have rang her .. anyway 15 mins went by and i asked again "where is mum ???" .. we'll go get her .. no-one rang and told her that i was out and back in recovery ..
I was laying there and said to mum i just wanna get up .. i'm sick of laying down .. i feel fine .. next thing i felt this huge gush - well it felt like i was weeing myself but couldn't stop .. so mum went and got a nurse who lifted the sheet and said yes there is a bit of blood i'll be right back ..
so she cames back with pad in hand - closes the curtain and says legs apart please .. i mean for god's sake i could have done it myself !
anyway it must have been around 2.45pm when they sent me down to recovery room #3 where i could actually sit up and have something to eat .. yayyyyayyyyy .. at 4pm they finally said you can go home !!! woooooo bloody hoooooooo ..
we so leave - i drove home - wasn't supposed to but mum's leg's were driving her mad (arthritis) .. as it turns out the most we could do was 10klms an hour !!! not happy jan ! .. we walked in my front door at 5.15pm !
we had KFC for dinner .. i had a shower - laid on the floor on our spare queen sized inner spring mattress and stayed there all night .. didn't feel like having to share the bed with peter and the 2 cats .. but as it turns out .. poor Koko was so confused he didn't know where to sleep .. mum in 1 room and dad in the other .. lol .. so he spent most of the night on the mattress with me .. which wasn't too bad cause at least peter wasn't in there too ..
so that's what happened yesterday - glad it's all over - AF has stopped .. wooo hoooo .. I see Julie in 8 weeks .. so hopefully in January 2009 we'll be starting OI and IUI ..
Thank you to everyone who sent me messages in msn and through the forum :) .. I'm so lucky to have friends who care so much ................ xoxoxoxox
sob sob sob .. all my history for our last IVF is gone ! .. all the links, the schedule, the results .. EVERYTHING BLOODY THING !!! ..
oh well guess I have to start again - a pain in the butt - i don't have all that information written down as I was using this blog to do that .. *&()*)^(&* !!!!!
It's now 7.06am and I've already had my shower, washed my hair, feed the guinea pigs and showed phyliss how to feed them this afternoon .. now i'm just sitting here waiting for 8.30 so we can leave for the hospital ..
I worked it out this morning that since we started TTC in March 05 - I've been in hospital for 5 operations ! .. and that's NOT including our EPU (of which there has been 3) ..
I know that I haven't been through as much as some other people - but sometimes I think is it worth it all ? .. I mean I've put my body through so much in the past 3 years - only to be let down every month ..
I always seem to be sick with something - whether it be AF, OHSS or miagraines .. I just want to be back to normal ..
Anyway best get moving - got a few more things to do before we leave for the hospital .. I'm booked in at 9.30am .. but probably won't get home till after 3pm .. that's what happened last time .. Mum is coming with me today - Peter has training that he needs to go to .. and it's nothing major - only takes 15 minutes .. He will ring when he get's a chance to see how I am ..
OK I'm outta here ..
byeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Yep - just as we thought after my visit to our FS today I'm booked in to have a curette done .. she did an internal ultrasound today also and it showed that while i've had AF very heavy and lost lots of clots - the lining is still very thick .. so I'm to stay on the primolut-n until friday and then 1 week after the curette start the pill and I'm to STAY on the pill .. otherwise I'll end up like this again ..
I just want things to go normally and smoothly for us .. every month there is something new happening with this stupid of mine and i've just about had enough ..... oh well bring on friday so I can get this over and done with and move onto OI and IUI in 2009 with new hopes and dreams ....
So i rang Julie yesterday and she told me to get some Ponstan and pick up a prescription for Primolut-N - which I did .. I took the Ponstan and the pain and cramps subsided .. but at 12 midnight till 2am this morning i was more on the loo then in bed .,
peter had just got to bed when i was in, out, in, out, in, out .. so neither of us have had much sleep :( .. I rang julie's office this morning at 7.30am and I'm going in to see her at 12.30pm today .. she is going to book me in for a curette .. I hope this sorts it all out .. I'm so sick to death of it ! .. sick of Dr's, Scan's, BT's, ... I've had enough and just about to say .. OK enough is enough .. but I don't want to :( .....
